Confessions of a Catholic College Student

My dear readers,

I am not ok.  
I am weak.
I am imperfect.
And, I can't fix it.

I guess you could say I'm failing.  Because despite the above average GPA, the volunteering, the blog, (which has surpassed the 1,300 pageview milestone!)  and the smiles for everyone that are so natural they've become my default,  I have realized that Westley from The Princess Bride was right: "Life is pain, Highness.  Anyone who says differently is selling something."  Well...maybe that's the melancholic in me talking, but there are days when I agree with the Man in Black wholeheartedly.  There are so many people around me hurting, and as hard as try, I am less than enough to heal them.  Maybe that's because I haven't healed myself or fixed my own messes:  the cowardice, the impatience, the laziness...and to top it all off, the perfectionism. The one that makes all the other ones worse.  The one that tortures me because I don't have my life together and am almost clueless about where it's going. 

It's not exactly a secret that I'm Catholic.  I have chosen a faith that gives me a clear standard to live up to, and I constantly fall short of it.  I'm also the "big sister,"  the role model not only for my own siblings but for a lot of the younger girls at my church.  I'm the straight A student.  And I'm the friend that everyone at my college calls "innocent."  No pressure at all. 

Innocent.

I don't feel innocent.  I know that  I'm more like them than they realize.  We're all just looking for enough truth and purpose to back up our chaotic lives, and we're making plenty of mistakes along the way.  If anything, I am the least innocent because I have been shown a way that is good, and I throw it away deliberately.  I don't have the excuse of uncertainty that they do.  They are sincerely still searching and asking questions.  I have knowledge of good and evil, and yet I've fallen for the oldest trick in the book: the one where the serpent whispers "You will be like God,"  and I take matters into my own hands to make it happen.  And I do this all under the pretense of holiness, of earning my place in God's heart.  I try so very hard to look like I'm exemplary.  Now it's time for me to be vulnerable.  I confess to Almighty God and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have sinned.  I have failed.  And I have beat myself up about it, too. 

See, I thought I was supposed to form myself into this indestructible force to be reckoned with.  I thought that's what Christianity was about.  I thought claiming to belong to God meant that I had to strive for an ideal, when really it's about striving to encounter a person. I thought I was supposed to be like God, but I'm actually just supposed to be united to God.  I thought I had to prove to the world that my faith was effective by becoming perfect, or close to it.

Well, turns out St. Paul is a killjoy and burst my bubble: "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."  (2 Corinthians 12:9)

....Yeah.  That's right.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Sarah. (Cause St.  Paul would totally just be sassy with me like that.)  

For me or for anyone else to see the power of God, I have to accept that I am human.  I am not innocent.  I struggle all the time.  I experience pain just like everyone else, and I have to face my doubts and my temptations.  I am not sufficient for myself; that's His grace's job.  My weakness makes room for Him to be strong.  My humanity is an opportunity for me to meet God who I need so desperately to help deal with all this crazy life stuff.  The times I mess up are the times He gets to prove that He is merciful.  And above all, He loves me whether I've earned it or not.  

I still can't fix things.  I still don't really understand why my friends have to endure suffering, why I have to suffer, too.  I still get the urge to attempt to be god-like on my own instead of tapping into the love and power of the real deal.  He has to comfort me in the middle of the night when I realize I don't know what to do and I'm trying to be a false light to myself or to my friends.  Lucky for me, He knows how to suffer, how to feel abandoned, how to wish your burden would be taken away, and how to fix things when they look like Hell.  He knows how to win when all I do is fail. 

 I guess this is ultimately a love letter.  I love everyone who is not perfect.  I love the failures.  I love the ones who try to be innocent and the ones who have lost hope and given up on it.  I love brokenness, because it reminds me of the Healer...and Him I love most of all.  I love that what I see as a flaw, something to be condemned, He sees as a door, a place where we are vulnerable enough for Him to come in and love us with all His heart.  You don't have to be afraid to admit to the world you're not good enough.  He loves you anyway, and so do I.

~Sarah M. 

Restless

This great guy named C.S. Lewis said, "If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don't recommend Christianity." I'd like to warn you that I couldn't agree more.  I find it funny whenever someone comments on how the faithful people they've met seem to "have it all figured out." I've seen many of my friends struggle in their faith, and personally the last time I felt like I had it all figured out was as an immature 15 year old.  The faith is full of questions and mysteries that I can't understand.  Trusting God's will for me leaves me feeling I have very little control over my own life.  I have to put all my talent and effort into a mission that gives me no instant gratification.  I believe in a God who allows me to suffer, who doesn't even give me the security of seeing Him.  It's painfully uncomfortable.  Yet something keeps me from running back to my comfort zone.
I don't exactly want to be comfortable- I'd rather see how truly terrifying, difficult, and important my life is.  I want to be able to look the truth in the face without excuses.  And the truth is I want more than comfort.  I think being comfortable is overrated.  Even my best days in life leave me longing for more.  I want a happiness so beautiful and immense that I can't even imagine it.  I can't get rid of this feeling that I'm incomplete, that I need to know more, and give more of myself.  I want a deep purpose for my life.  I want to ask questions and get answers that are true.  I've given up on being comfortable. I'm Restless, and I think I will be for the rest of my life. 
This other great guy Saint Augustine said "You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you."
God made my heart for the deepest beauty and the fullest truth of all...he made me for Himself.  If I listen to my human reason it seems sort of unfair. I'm longing for something that I can't grasp on my own- I can't know God completely, and my attempts to love Him always fall short of what they should be.  It's frustrating to think that I can only be satisfied in Heaven, that all my time on earth will be spent struggling.  Sometimes getting close to God and staying there seems nearly impossible.
But my restless heart asks me to look beyond that.  If God has created me for Himself, why would he ever refuse to satisfy my longing for Him? He won't.  I will be with Him one day.  I will be able to rest.  And by putting me through the pain of always seeking Him, He has saved me from the greater pain of living without a purpose. I find it amazing that I will never learn everything there is to know about God.  Where is the glory in a God I can fully understand? I will always be able to discover something new.  I will never get tired of searching for the truth about Him and who He really is. 
And I'm not going to settle for a miserable or desperate life just because perfect happiness is beyond me right now.  I'm going to spend everything I have trying to get closer and go deeper, so I'll be ready when my opportunity for Heaven comes.  God is destroying my fear of being incomplete.  He has the power to draw beauty and goodness from the imperfect- He is a Redeemer.  Augustine says that "God judged it better to bring good out of evil than not to permit any evil to exist." I really think that's the most beautiful thing I've ever known.  God has the strength to turn suffering into victory, guilt into innocence, evil into goodness.  He chose to let us hurt Him and to turn our backs on the good he made- to show us that His love will still overcome all things. He loves us enough to let us run away from Him and break our hearts, so that we'll know He will come after us and heal us.  In my life he turns my pain into blessings and my heartbreak into growth, and I love Him more than I ever could have if He had made me content and my life easy. He shows me glimpses of Himself in the unfinished people around me and it's awe-inspiring.  He even uses me in the midst of my struggle to show Himself to those around me.   I love my life in spite of its difficulty, I find joy in every small step towards Heaven.  And I'm ready to suffer for Him because the distance and the longing is temporary but His love is eternal.  It's the only thing that's worth my whole life.
I look for Him all the time.  I rejoice in every little thing on earth that is good, beautiful,  and true because it reflects Him.  I try to share what I find with others, because I know that we are all restless.  I'm not afraid to wait for the day when I'll see Him and be united to Him forever.  I'm supposed to be unsatisfied.  I'm supposed to have questions.  I'm supposed to be uncomfortable.  But I'm supposed to trust God to help me through my struggle and to satisfy my restless heart.


~ Sarah